My Escape

I realized something last night.
I realized that singing defines me.

Singing makes me who I am.

I live for those moments
when it's YOU in control.
When you're singing
and all of a sudden,
you don't have to try anymore.

It's like breathing.
The sound just flows out
a river of sound
cascading like a waterfall.

and once you realize that,
theres no holding back.

You stop thinking
stop listening
stop looking
stop everything
except that music.
that sound
that envelops all
with its embrace.

You just sing.
Close your eyes, your arms reach out
just letting go of everything
letting it ALL out.

when that happens, I forget all my problems
my weaknesses, my faults.
When that happens, I just don;'t care anymore
I am beautiful
and i am alone.
It's only when i'm alone that i sing with such
fierce, reckless abandon.
If I'm not alone,
how is it an escape?

Now I reach higher and higher
testing my limits
only to find
that there are none.

My voice is strong.
A steady thrum of sound
flawless vibrato.

As my thoughts come back,
I sing them out and away.
And as they churn faster and faster,
I crescendo.

Eyes squeezed tight,
arms reaching ever outwards
head thrown back.
My feet are planted firmly on the ground.
So then why do i feel like I'm flying?
I feel so crazy alive.
There's so much power inside of me
that I never knew existed.

And as i reach my final note,
as i reach that double forte,
I hold it.
I let it explode.
Its tones ringing and pure,
until I can sing no more.
The sound stops,
its last tones ringing in the silence.

I take a deep breath
and lower my head.
Facing my fears,
facing the world.
I walk forwards like nothing happened.
But something did.
Something hit me.

Singing is my escape.

The only thing wrong with that?
After every song is over,
when the final note is dead and gone,
so is my escape.
And i face reality once again.
Not ready, never ready.

Though
accepting that i must.
Willing to try.
Hoping to get through.
Waiting for the time...
for the time when I can sing again.

For the time when
everything
will be
okay
once more.