looking
laughing
smiling
waving
glowing
hugging
faking

a squeal here,
a gasp there.
wherever it seems appropriate to place such a reaction.

alone?
never.

not in a good sense.


you good?
yes.
really?
yes.
don't lie to me.
would i lie to you?
well it sure seems like it.
oh, come on. im tired. i didn't sleep at ALL. (yawn)
oh okay then.

i wish people could fucking see what the hell is going on.
but no one can.
and in fact, i DONT wish people could see.
because then i would get sympathy.
fuck sympathy.
i dont want it.
i just want to be able to vent.
but there's no one i can vent to who will just accept it.
who will just listen.
instead of deny it.
or make me feel better about it.
no one.
no. fucking. one.
so of course i resort to the only things i can think of.
why wouldn't i?
there's nothing else.
THERES NOTHING FUCKING ELSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
and you all can't read this.
if you could, i would be screwed.
this is me just getting minor bits and pieces out.
now i will tie this back to the beginning so you all don't think anything is missing.

of course.
of course...
of course.
it's not a lie.
it isnt.
im fine.
i am.

but...

why does it sound like i'm convincing myself?