if you always tell the truth
you don't NEED to remember what you said

That Girl Again

I talked to her
Walked up
said,
"Hi!"

she looked at me
skeptically
thinking
i was going to
shatter her vision
her make believe world

"Hi..."
she mumbled
still wary

i gave her my best smile
"you look familiar...
did you go to lyric camp?
weren't you Alice?"

"You remember me?"
she asks
her chocolate eyes wide

and then,
the most amazing thing happened

she smiled.

This Girl...

This girl
She's beautiful
But not in the way you would expect

Black apparel
From head to toe
Except for the white tutu
Encircling her middle

A ribbon around her head
Supporting many colored buttons
Ivory skin
Surrounded by a frame
Of jet black hair.

Hunched over
As if to protect herself
From the world
She sings
In the corner of the room
But looks unfocused
Like she's not all there

As i stare at her in awe
She turns
Like she knew i was watching

Her eyes
Huge
A warm chocolate brown
Swimming in the surrounding black
All in all, pretty

But there's such pain there.
The corners of her eyes
Are turned permanently
Downwards

She keeps my gaze
Not blinking
Not breaking contact

Again, I am struck by
The intensity of her stare
unlike anyone elses

With her eyes wide
As they are now
The pain is more apparent
But couldn't be seen
By a passing
Glance

It goes deeper
All the way into
Her soul

How long shall it remain?
Forever?

Finally,
After one last second,
she blinks
and the vision is gone
she tries to regain control

Her penetrating eyes
sweep back
into her own world

I hope her world is happy
I hope she find comfort
I hope that one day
the pain might disappear

Though I know nothing about the girl

She reminds me of all the pain
Pain I've experienced
Pain my friends have
Pain I've seen
Or pain I've only heard of

There's so much of it
It falls hard on the ones
Who need it the least
Passing the happy by

Why?

People who are happy
Can take it
They can DEAL with a little pain
It's the people who suffer
That need a break
Yet it seems
They never do

I focus back on the conductor
Focus
On my song
But all the while
Wondering

When will this ever end?

sometimes...
i wish i could go back
to that summer
but i always talk myself out of it
why?

What inspires me?

Erica asked this so i figured i'd try
and answer it...
jeez idk a LOT of things do

Beauty
but not like fake,
supermodel
beauty
I'm talking
eyes that sparkle
without rims of black
smothering them

The hills in the summer
they roll on
gently swelling and receding
sometimes swinging up high
a mountain
reaching for the heavens

The snow
even though its SO cold
and i HATE winter...
it's so white
and fluffy
i don't know how
you could NOT be inspired by it

or the trees
in the fall
the crimsons and fiery golds
meeting the evergreen leaves
and an occasional splash of brown
the dead leaves.
but without the dead leaves,
there's no brown
so you need the dead leaves
to complete the circle.

The sunset
sending rays of colors
everywhere the sun touches
when the clouds get in the way
they too glow with it's warmth
instead of smothering the light
as they otherwise would

Rain
I have said this SO many times
but
i
love
rain.
Everything about it
i love standing in the rain
getting drenched
just not caring

Some PEOPLE inspire me

watching them swing high on the hoop
their hair falling around their face
arms out wide
not knowing
how amazing it really is

watching them struggle on
through all the shit in their life
trying to put it behind them
but slapping on a brave face
so the world might not suffer
taking it all on her shoulders

watching them
always be there
for anyone
especially me,
when there was no one else
she deserves more credit

watching them
be happy
laughing their way through anything
lifting peoples spirits
so that they might come through as well

You know the one thing i wish i could do?
ironically, it's the one thing I'll NEVER be able to do.

I wish I could paint.

i would paint
the rolling hills
the sunsets
the snow
the rain
the fall trees
the REAL beauty

i would paint
the hoop
the cuts
the love
the happiness

i would paint it all.

Unfortunately, i have no artistic ability
whatsoever.
My drawings and paintings
are stick figures
with heads as big as their bodies
but whatever.

eventually, ill find SOME way
to express all that
Not that i have any idea how...
but i guess it'll come to me

What inspires you, Erica?

sigh

i know he said dont worry
he said it was nothing

and still, i worry.

its only a little
and only in SAM

yet still, i worry.

im overreacting; i know this
i should know that it really does mean
nothing

but still, i worry.

im being selfish
i think
wanting him ENTIRELY
for myself
i mean,
its not like i dont do the same thing

still, i worry.

and its not like YOU would
want him
you want someone else
i shouldnt be concerned
i guess

Why
am
i
so
threatened
by
you?

US

FIRE
when we're together
being in such close
proximity to
you
is detrimental
to my sanity

ICE
when we fight
my heart freezes
it can never thaw
until we are okay
once more
and i can once again
fall into your arms

BEAUTIFUL
your eyes
how they glisten
pools of
liquid sapphire
and i have to
look away

UGLY
how i feel
in comparison to your
flawlessness
you are
everything
i am not

LOST
being with him
knowing it has
to stop
not wanting him
wanting you

FOUND
you find me
in the deepest niches
of my mind
when im screaming
for help
you are there

LOVE
its there
in my eyes
if you look
you can find it
its there
and its yours

HATE
whenever we're apart
cant function
losing
control

FEELING
ripping its way
through my body
my mind
my soul

NUMBNESS
taking over
whenever
theres too much
pain

TOGETHER
we're everything

APART
we're nothing

Isn't it funny
how all of these
antonyms
make up
who we are?
We're so many opposites

But all of the opposites
intertwined

make
my world

make me
who i am

make me
yours

What must it be like? I cant even IMAGINE...

overwhelming emotions
no escape
there's no escape

nothing works
at this level of despair

in a corner
of the room
sitting
curled up into a ball

music blaring
bass and drum
heavy guitar
mizing together
in a loud cacophony
an attempt
to drown it all out

but to no avail
shaking
gasping
what to do?

looking around wildly
for anything
ANYTHING
to make the pain
go away.

a twinkle of silver
where the sun hits
just right
the metal calls
inviting

it can take the pain away
put it in a different place
erase your mind

reaching out deftly
not even knowing
what's
going
on.
Just knowing
that the pain
must stop.

grabbing the handle.
sitting back against the wall
one sleeve rolled up.
in the other hand
the knife is perched
eyes closing head against the wall
hand lowers

touching
blade to skin
gasping
it feels so...good.

remembering
that time
a while ago
whenever an escape was needed
there it was
as it is here now
never failing.

pressing harder now
a red line forms
a manic smile appears
eyes wild

this is what was needed
a quick motion
a quick swipe
and now a laugh.
a cackle
welling up from within
holding the wrist
with the other hand.

holding it close
to her face
licking the blood off
rusty
her life depends on that blood.

But by letting it out,
she purges herself
of that bad blood
carrying thoughts
of you
and how
it can't be

holding the knife up now
examining it closely
touching finger to tip
drawing it back
with a pinprick of blood
on it

hiding the blade
away from the world
in a place
where it will always be
whenever she needs to
escape.

Making sense of it all...

Sometimes the world seems upside down
i don't know whether to grin or frown.
everything seems out of place,
confusion spelled across my face.

You are what i want and need
but there's that voice i have to heed.
If not now, not soon, then when?
I'm sick of drama, sick of men.

Then there's that thought that pulls me back
that gives me the confidence i lack
your eyes, your hair, your smiling face
your walk, your touch, your warm embrace.

you are not always there, however
and i doubt that you will be forever.
when you're not there, but my other one is,
it's not always your face i see, but his.

and i know i should be ending this
i know that what awaits us is
what i want but i fear ill miss him
whenever I'm with you. i mean,
you know what crazy shit the heart can do.

and even though i love you more
it's still painful to shut this door.
But ill try as best i can,
cuz all i want is to hold your hand.

Although i might soon be a mess
might not look or act my best,
know that i love you and always will.
you, my love, my life, my thrill.

I'm doing this because i love you
but know it's going to hurt me to.
after a while it will all be okay
we just have to hold on until the day

when we won't have to run or hide
off into the sunset we can ride.
no lies, no fear, no stormy weather.
Free. Just you and I together.

Some Things

Some things
i tell you
Some things
I dont

Some things
are important
Some things
are not

Some things
can mess everything up
Some things
need to be kept safe

You would think
that the things i tell you
no matter what they are
if ive asked you not to say anything
that i can trust you with that

You would think
that if i told you a reason
that i didnt want a specific person to know
that it was for THEIR BENEFIT
because i dont want THEM TO GET HURT
because theyve already gone through enough
and dont have to deal with my problems too

maybe her and I already connect
on a lot of things
and we have an understanding
we help eachother out
concealer...hugs...anything

and maybe shes one of my really good friends
and im trying to LOOK OUT FOR HER

and now
our song is playing
and im losing my resolve

Some things
are ok to let go
Some things
you need to hold on to

Im holding on to you
because i love you
so much
but you need to understand
what i mean
when i say
let me deal with it

Caged Bird

A free bird leaps
on the back of the wind
and floats downstream
till the current ends
and dips his wing
in the orange sun rays
and dares to claim the sky.

But a bird that stalks
down his narrow cage
can seldom see through
his bars of rage
his wings are clipped and
his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing.

The caged bird sings
with a fearful trill
of things unknown
but longed for still
and his tune is heard
on the distant hill
for the caged bird
sings of freedom.

The free bird thinks of another breeze
and the trade winds soft through the sighing trees
and the fat worms waiting on a dawn-bright lawn
and he names the sky his own.

But a caged bird stands on the grave of dreams
his shadow shouts on a nightmare scream
his wings are clipped and his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing.

The caged bird sings
with a fearful trill
of things unknown
but longed for still
and his tune is heard
on the distant hill
for the caged bird
sings of freedom.