lol

If you want a job done well,
you gotta fucking do it yourself.

Reflection

Look at me

You may think you see
Who I really am
But you'll never know me
Every day
It's as if I play a part
Now I see
If I wear a mask
I can fool the world
But I cannot fool my heart

Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?

I am now
In a world where I
Have to hide my heart
And what I believe in
But somehow
I will show the world
What's inside my heart
And be loved for who I am

Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
Why is my reflection
Someone I don't know?
Must I pretend that I'm
Someone else for all time?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?

There's a heart that must be
Free to fly
That burns with a need to know
The reason why

Why must we all conceal
What we think, how we feel?
Must there be a secret me
I'm forced to hide?
I won't pretend that I'm
Someone else for all time
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?

The worst feeling in the world

is wanting to let it out
and not being able to.

I want to scream
I want to throw things
I want to call you
and spill everything
I want someone to listen
I want someone to care
I want someone to help
I JUST WANT SOMEONE.

and yet...
it's the one thing i CANT have someone with.
the ONE thing.

and so im trapped.
with nothing but a heart full of misery so bad it makes my whole body ache.
with nothing but a constant burning sensation in the back of my throat from trying not to cry.

with nothing but broken memories
and hopes and wishes
for what won't be.

wanting to let it out
and not being able to...

can there BE a worse feeling?
ever?

You know what else?

I'm sorry.

I'm just a stupid whore and there's no reason for me to put all of the blame on you.

You made it clear.
I just hoped you were just saying that.

Please...



i can be whoever you want.
give me a chance.

and just so you know...


i can take a fucking hint.

What do you want from me?

I would have thought
that that would mean something to you

especially you...
and your way of caring while not showing it so the people can't even decipher it...

but i can.
i can sense it.

and it wasnt there.

and of course the first thing you say after has to do with her.

Who am i kidding?
Who am i to think i could somehow be special?
Who am i to think i could be as good as her?
Who am i to think i have the right to go against everything ive ever taught myself?
and who am i to fall, assuming you did too.

What do you want from me?

This girl
she's broken.

beautiful, they call her;
esquisite, even.
but when she sees herself,

she weeps.

never perfect.
never enough.
never
even
close.

This girl,
she's lost.

confident, they call her
loud even
but when she's alone,
her defenses fall,
the game is up.

she weeps.

This girl,
she's falling.

They say she soars.
They say she's got it down.
They say the world's at her feet.
They say there's nothing she can't do.

Well,
they're wrong.
She can see that.

She can see
she will never be perfect.
she will never be enough.
Never
even
close.

And she weeps.

This girl,
she's confined.

Limits, they give her
they spring traps
until it's no longer
her life.

Any desire to
be confident,
to soar,
dies.

But she still
yearns
to be beautiful.

She tries.

She knows it's within her power.

But yet,
she knows she
can't
do
it.

But she must.
She must be beautiful.

for one reason alone.

This girl,
she's lucky.

Beautiful, he says.
Confident, he says.
Soaring, he says.

And when he says it,

she believes it,

and she weeps.

When all else fails in her life,
he is there.

He is her rock,
her tie to the world.

He brings her back
into reality
and makes everything
sparkle.

This girl, she appreciates it.
He makes her
better.

He's turned her life around.
He's done what no other could.
He's brought her to life.

This boy, he loves her.
and recognizes her
for all that she's worth.
for all that she has to give.

This girl,
she loves him too.

And that makes all the difference.

Please

don't fucking pretend you don't fucking know.




thank you.

looking
laughing
smiling
waving
glowing
hugging
faking

a squeal here,
a gasp there.
wherever it seems appropriate to place such a reaction.

alone?
never.

not in a good sense.


you good?
yes.
really?
yes.
don't lie to me.
would i lie to you?
well it sure seems like it.
oh, come on. im tired. i didn't sleep at ALL. (yawn)
oh okay then.

i wish people could fucking see what the hell is going on.
but no one can.
and in fact, i DONT wish people could see.
because then i would get sympathy.
fuck sympathy.
i dont want it.
i just want to be able to vent.
but there's no one i can vent to who will just accept it.
who will just listen.
instead of deny it.
or make me feel better about it.
no one.
no. fucking. one.
so of course i resort to the only things i can think of.
why wouldn't i?
there's nothing else.
THERES NOTHING FUCKING ELSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
and you all can't read this.
if you could, i would be screwed.
this is me just getting minor bits and pieces out.
now i will tie this back to the beginning so you all don't think anything is missing.

of course.
of course...
of course.
it's not a lie.
it isnt.
im fine.
i am.

but...

why does it sound like i'm convincing myself?