Gina

You know what girl?
It sucks

not knowing
when enough is enough
having to worry all the time
have i taken this too far?

but there doesn't have to be
all that pressure
just take a deep breath
and let it all go

you gotta think really really deep down
to what you know IN YOUR CORE
is the right thing to do
cuz it's definitely there

even if it's something you don't want to do
something that you think might lose something/someone
you have to have to HAVE to listen to it

otherwise, as maybe you have noticed,
you start to lose who you are

floundering around
grasping for ties to who you once were
wondering who this new girl is
who tests limits

and sometimes, that's a good thing
changing into someone else and all that
and maybe that's what you want to do!

but from what it sounds like,
it's not what you want

and I'm not trying to get into your head or anything
and maybe i interpreted this all wrong
maybe you're talking about something completely different

but if im not wrong, the same thing happened to me before
i got lost, for a while
but eventually i found myself

and even though at first it seemed i messed up bad,
in the long run it's been so much better

you can't let yourself get lost in someone else's reality
in someone else's limits
or expectations
or what they think

it's gotta be
YOUR reality
YOUR limits
YOUR expectations
YOUR LIFE

if it's one person who's causing this
causing you to wonder where your limits are
talk to them about it
let them know
if they're a good person they'll listen
take it into account

If they really love you,
they'll know you have to hold on to who you were
and they'll accept that.

If not,
they don't deserve you.
at all.

But hold on to your innocence.
Cuz that's the one thing you can't take back
mo matter how bad you want to.

You're such a great person
i don't even know you that well!!
so if I can know you're an amazing gal,
he (or whoever it is) should know that too.

<3<3<3<3<3>

Maybe...

maybe
the world is at your feet

maybe
YOU'RE the one
groveling at the feet
of some higher power's

maybe
everything is crystal clear
and if not everything,
at least most things

maybe
everything swirls around
in a deafening cacophony
and you don't know
which way is up

maybe
you have a good life at home
you love your family
your family loves you
you are happy
would never think of changing that

maybe
you have a haunted past
your parents are evil
they don't understand
maybe you've tried ways of escape
only to find
it's all a lie anyways

maybe
you are loved
you can feel that warmth
creep up all the way from your toes
embracing you

maybe
you are despised
menacing glares follow you
wherever you go
and there is no escape

maybe
you are in love
with someone who loves you for you
and takes care of you
and would never hurt you

maybe
you are in love
with someone who "loves you"
a.k.a your ass
and just tries to get in your pants
but what can you do?
you love him, remember?

maybe
you love someone
who kind of likes you...
but REALLY likes this other girl
and he's "torn" because he doesn't want to hurt your feelings
not knowing he's hurting them even more
by pretending

or maybe,
you love someone
who doesnt love you
at all
they don't know you dream of them
they don't know anything about you
because they wont bother getting to know you

maybe,
you are all of those
mixed up in one
you have your ups,
you have your downs

and maybe,
you wish you were someone else
you wish you could escape
into the life of another
but what would they do with YOUR life?
would they make the wrong choices?
would they be the ruin of you?

you know what though?

DEFINITELY
you are you.
and there's no changing that.
people all around you,
EVERYWHERE
are going through the same things
wishing the same things
hurting the same way
loving the same way
you just gotta find them

and maybe,
it will be REALLY hard
to remember that
to find those people
to find YOU

it may be hard,
but it's not impossible.

it can happen...
you just gotta believe it can.

you are NOT alone.

Shut up.

You don't know what it's like.

I think I'm slipping.

And just for the record,
if you're thinking right now,
"I asked her if she was fine and she said she was.
Wow, what's her problem...?"

I'm okay.
I really am.

It's just...
I'm remembering all of these things.
That I never thought i would have to
remember.

I have been so drained lately...
for a bunch of reasons
It was something I could deal with
I didn't think
people would start
saying things.

Mrs. Fary told me I didn't look like myself...
My ninja buddy (Mrs. Crayton) kept asking me if i was feeling ok...
Savanah thought i had been crying cuz my eyes were puffy...
I've just been trying to getup in the morning, much less care
about what I look like.
I've kind of given up on that due to the hair issue.

Then i started getting dizzy a lot.
and i don't know what it could be.
Sleep deprivation...?
Anemic issues...?
something else?

And then there's still the memory of that summer
and the year (8 months) following it.
And i know it seemed...terrible
to any outside point of view
but...
it was helping me.
and sick as it may be,
i liked it


I've been hearing so much about it...
from so many people.
And that's not a bad thing!
I'm not blaming anyone.
I like being there for you guys...
feeling helpful, useful to someone.
but sometimes i start wondering...
and then remembering...

and then i find myself
trying to convince myself
"no"
convince myself otherwise

and i don't
understand
a
damn
thing
about
any
of
it.

I'm exhausted from trying.
You would think I would be able
to understand my own thoughts
wouldn't you?

Pff.

Yeah right.





Life would be too easy.

God it never ends

Sometimes
waiting
is a good thing.

Like on Christmas eve,
or waiting to see someone you love
come off a plane.
Exciting things.

Those are
good things.
Anticipation.

But when you're waiting
helpless
for something
that you KNOW has to happen
something you can't help
something that hurts
something that will rip you up

that's not good.

What if
even though you've said
"don't worry"
it re-sparks?

knowing...stuff,
it has a fair chance.

and i don't think i can handle it
actually, i know i cant

im going crazy here
sitting behind this screen
waiting
for the inevitable
to hit
like a ton of bricks.

It's bad enough
that i cant c u right now
when im at my low.

i don't even really know the right words right now
to get it all out

maybe i will later
when i get some sleep

i dont know
it's just hard
not being able to stop
the one thing that will drive me

insane.