God it never ends

Sometimes
waiting
is a good thing.

Like on Christmas eve,
or waiting to see someone you love
come off a plane.
Exciting things.

Those are
good things.
Anticipation.

But when you're waiting
helpless
for something
that you KNOW has to happen
something you can't help
something that hurts
something that will rip you up

that's not good.

What if
even though you've said
"don't worry"
it re-sparks?

knowing...stuff,
it has a fair chance.

and i don't think i can handle it
actually, i know i cant

im going crazy here
sitting behind this screen
waiting
for the inevitable
to hit
like a ton of bricks.

It's bad enough
that i cant c u right now
when im at my low.

i don't even really know the right words right now
to get it all out

maybe i will later
when i get some sleep

i dont know
it's just hard
not being able to stop
the one thing that will drive me

insane.