Wednesday

This girl
she's broken.

beautiful, they call her;
esquisite, even.
but when she sees herself,

she weeps.

never perfect.
never enough.
never
even
close.

This girl,
she's lost.

confident, they call her
loud even
but when she's alone,
her defenses fall,
the game is up.

she weeps.

This girl,
she's falling.

They say she soars.
They say she's got it down.
They say the world's at her feet.
They say there's nothing she can't do.

Well,
they're wrong.
She can see that.

She can see
she will never be perfect.
she will never be enough.
Never
even
close.

And she weeps.

This girl,
she's confined.

Limits, they give her
they spring traps
until it's no longer
her life.

Any desire to
be confident,
to soar,
dies.

But she still
yearns
to be beautiful.

She tries.

She knows it's within her power.

But yet,
she knows she
can't
do
it.

But she must.
She must be beautiful.

for one reason alone.

This girl,
she's lucky.

Beautiful, he says.
Confident, he says.
Soaring, he says.

And when he says it,

she believes it,

and she weeps.

When all else fails in her life,
he is there.

He is her rock,
her tie to the world.

He brings her back
into reality
and makes everything
sparkle.

This girl, she appreciates it.
He makes her
better.

He's turned her life around.
He's done what no other could.
He's brought her to life.

This boy, he loves her.
and recognizes her
for all that she's worth.
for all that she has to give.

This girl,
she loves him too.

And that makes all the difference.






Please

don't fucking pretend you don't fucking know.




thank you.
looking
laughing
smiling
waving
glowing
hugging
faking

a squeal here,
a gasp there.
wherever it seems appropriate to place such a reaction.

alone?
never.

not in a good sense.


you good?
yes.
really?
yes.
don't lie to me.
would i lie to you?
well it sure seems like it.
oh, come on. im tired. i didn't sleep at ALL. (yawn)
oh okay then.

i wish people could fucking see what the hell is going on.
but no one can.
and in fact, i DONT wish people could see.
because then i would get sympathy.
fuck sympathy.
i dont want it.
i just want to be able to vent.
but there's no one i can vent to who will just accept it.
who will just listen.
instead of deny it.
or make me feel better about it.
no one.
no. fucking. one.
so of course i resort to the only things i can think of.
why wouldn't i?
there's nothing else.
THERES NOTHING FUCKING ELSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
and you all can't read this.
if you could, i would be screwed.
this is me just getting minor bits and pieces out.
now i will tie this back to the beginning so you all don't think anything is missing.

of course.
of course...
of course.
it's not a lie.
it isnt.
im fine.
i am.

but...

why does it sound like i'm convincing myself?

If I Never Knew You

If I never knew you
If I never felt this love
I would have no inkling of
How precious life can be
And if I never held you
I would never have a clue
How at last I'd find in you
The missing part of me
In this world so full of fear
Full of rage and lies
I can see the truth so clear
In your eyes
So dry your eyes
And I'm so grateful to you
I'd have lived my whole life through
Lost forever
If I never knew you

If I never knew you
I'd be safe but half as real
Never knowing I could feel
A love so strong and true
I'm so grateful to you
I'd have lived my whole life through
Lost forever
If I never knew you

We were right
And If I never knew you
I'd have lived my whole life through
Empty as the sky
Never knowing why
Lost forever
If I never knew you

Wednesday

Ultimate Love Song.

Is this a dream?
If it is, please don't wake me from this high.
I wanted you to know that i love the way you laugh
I want to hold you high and steal your pain away.
If I could, then I would light the shadows on your face.
I'll go wherever you will go.
For you, I will.

Cuz you lift my feet off the ground.
There's no gravity to hold me down from you
I can't believe you found me
and I know, deep inside me, I can be the one...
because i die without you.

When I'm far away from you,
I get lost, out of my element.
I need you, NEED you, I can't wait to see you.
Somehow I've fallen under your spell,
and somehow I'm feeling it's up that i fell.
I don't wanna talk about it, cuz I'm in love with you

Baby, with you
I can stand with the weight of the world on my shoulders
I can fight with the toughest of the tough
I can laugh in the face of all my insecurities
because you loved me.
I've walked, I've fun, I've jumped, I've flown
Anytime, anywhere, anything
I'm strong enough now
You're making me all that I'm meant to be
I'm helplessly, hopelessly, recklessly falling in love.

But falling into you carries me far enough away
You broke through all of my confusion
When i lost hope, you were there to remind me
We're at the beginning
We've still got time
So I forgive you for being away for far too long
But I miss the sound of your voice
I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away
I miss the still of the silence as you breathe out and I breathe in...
and when you ain't here I just can't breathe.

Though just because everything's changing
doesn't mean it's never been this way before.
If i had my way, I'd never get over you
We could take a chance on you and me.
At least we'll love until we can't
Our hearts can only shake when there's risk that they can break
That's a chance i'm willing to take
For you, only you.

There are things in this world that I don't understand
No one told me I was going to find you
Unexpected, what you did to my heart
Inside, everything's upside down
you spun me around
While all of there remain mysteries,
one thing is for sure...
you are worth living for.

Tell me that we belong together
bring me back under the stars, back into your arms
Return to me
Cuz baby i will wait for you
And I know
You'll come back, when it's over
no need to say goodbye.

No need to say goodbye...

Monday

damn.

ouch.
that hurt a lot more than i let on.

Sunday

This Place

The sun's gentle rays
caress the swelling hills
it's light soothing
it falls
ever so delicately
upon the lush green land
upon my shoulders
my face
warming me to my soul

this place
there are no words to describe it

although the world seems to be
at a standstill,
there is so much life
that continues on

the whistle and chirp
of the birds
calling gently
to eachother

the throaty hum
of the bullfrog
can be heard
a search for love

even the
goldfish
kiss here

the seaweed
beneath a shimmering
crystal sky
lay intertwined

no turtle hides
in their shell
they are open,
trusting
to all who
set feet
upon this sacred land

the bees
pollinate
the endless supply
of flowers
with a tenderness
i have never seen before

and the sun
never
fades
here

no eerie shadow
is cast
here

it accentuates
the glowing of
the trees
surrounding
the water

it shines
on the waterfall
embedded in smooth stones
so that the water
seems to sparkle
to dance
with life

the silence
is bliss
and is never
broken
an unending
chain
of peace

this place
a place
away

from all the
hurt
evil
pain
of the world

none of these words
exist here

every ripple in the pond
reverberates
marring the still surface
but for a second
a fish
popping out
knowing
no harm will come to it

if every place
was like
this place
the world
would know no injustice

wrongs would be righted
hurts would be undone

and all life
could survive
forevermore
in harmony.

perfect,
peaceful
harmony.

the very essence of
this place
is so elemental
so basic

it's not
complicated
or complex

it merely IS

and that's
what makes it so
beautiful

nature
in its simplest form
untouched
by human hands

is so much more
striking
so much more
breathtaking
so much more
enchanting

than the most
complex
of human designs.

this place
reveals
the truth
reveals YOU
who you really are

this place
teaches me
where i belong

it humbles me
infinitely

this place
shows me
who i am
in MY purest form

a raindrop
in an ocean
i am here
to be.

and nothing more

to exist
is my goal

Here,
i can.

Here,
anything
is
possible.

Monday

I didn't think there was ANY silver lining to this cloud...but then there's Madeline :)

You don't know.
So don't try.

Not that you do anyways.

You don't know
how it feels
to be trapped in your own fucking head

you don't know
how it feels
to just run and run
until you collapse
because there's no other escape

you don't know
how it feels
to cry until you throw up

you don't know
how it feels
to lay on the wet ground
while it's freezing
for three hours
not feeling worth it
waiting for the ground
to swallow you up

you don't know
who I am

you don't even care
you don't even try
you don't even WANT
to know who that is

i try
GOD i try
but to no avail

i don't want to be here
i don't want to be near you
ANY of you

"this house is not a home..."
damn straight

this house is a place i have to go to every night
a place to eat,
a place to sleep

ugh
a place with a huge abundance
of crap i don't need

which brings me back around to today

at our softball game
which basically sucked
i was feeling really down
and scared
and pissed
i didnt want to come back here

and then Madeline comes up
"Hey cass!"
"Hi, Mad. How are you?"

and she told me the one thing i've been needing to hear.
"I'm good. You look pretty today."
"Aww, thanks Mad."

"Well, you look pretty every day."

getting a compliment from her
isn't like from other people
because i know she means it
i know she's sincere
and it was what i needed

some things, the weirdest things,
can pull us out of a stupor
can give us the lifeline we need
to keep moving
keep pushing on
through it all

and that was it.

Thank you, Mad.
It means the world :)

It's enough to get me through the night
and that's what I'm going to do

take it one minute,
one hour,
one day
at a time

because i CAN do it
thanks Savanah
for helping me realize that

that i can pull through

thank you thank you thank you.

i know i can be strong.

Saturday

So...

Okay, so i didn't go to the BRMS dance (i know right)
SO HOW WAS IT?!?!?
i want everyone's opinion

Sunday

who do you turn to

when your worst enemy
your worst fear

is yourself?

what can you possibly do?

help

Sunday

SEVEN POUNDS

okay guys i just watched this movie
im still crying
it was the BEST MOVIE IN THE WHOLE WORLD
which is a big thing for me b/c i LOVE the notebook
and this was SOO amazing
omg i cant even get over it
it was just so...like bizarre but so amazing

i really wanna go on and on about it
but i dont wanna ruin for aynone who hasnt cn it cuz i think if u kno the end and stuff it ruins it
and im gonna make ian watch it so NO ONE TELL HIM
hahaha

woww
crazy amazing movie omgomgomg

Thursday

Anonymus

okay
I'm going to show you all a few of their comments 2 me recently

"yeah, new record! congrats!"
(sarcastically about me going out with ian for 2 months)

"ohhh waaaahnn.
being popular is just so hard isn't it?"

"so, let me get this...
you're so popular it hurts, so you have to dump your boyfriend?
smooth."

"yeah, cuz "mrs. I've been popular my entire life!" totally wants to be someone else because her life is "just so difficult!"
... figures"
you know
maybe there's way more to my life
than being popular

i dont even think about it!
its not something i try to be
it's never been something i really want

i just try to be nice to everybody
because i can find the good things
in everyone
and don't you think everyone deserves a chance
to have a friend or two?

i don't know what your problem is
or what the hell you have against me

but really
try and get to know me
before you judge me

Tuesday

Sigh

Hey-

I know you didn't get the one thing you really wanted
i know it hurt you really bad

im so so so so sorry that happened
really, i am
i feel terrible about it all the time

but theres one thing i just don't get.

i tried to help you
i encouraged you
i NEVER talked about you behind your back

and now...

that's what YOU'RE doing?

Why?

are you jealous?
cuz i got my happiness?

or resentful,
cuz i cast aside what you wanted?

or just want some drama?

it's probably one of those
and that's okay
nobody's perfect

but really...

it's so much more
than just a "face to face relationship"

it's so much more
than just sexual stuff

it's so much more
than ive ever had

and no, i DONT think we've been going out 2 long
it's been 2 months as of TODAY

you can say anything you want about me

besides that

please leave me and my happiness there

alone

Monday

Perfect

Hey mom look at me
Think back and talk to me
Did I grow up according to plan?
And do you think I'm wasting my time doing things I wanna do?
But it hurts when you disapprove all along

And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't pretend that
I'm alright
And you can't change me

'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect

I try not to think
About the pain I feel inside
Did you know you used to be my hero?
All the days you spent with me
Now seem so far away
And it feels like you don't care anymore

And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't stand another fight
And nothing's alright

'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect

Nothing's gonna change the things that you said
Nothing's gonna make this right again
Please don't turn your back
I can't believe it's hard
Just to talk to you
But you don't understand

'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect

Wednesday

Baby, it's okay (reinstated)

It's okay.
Feel free love.

Take my heart
in the palm of your hand
don't listen to it breaking
don't listen to it crying out for you.

twist it
tear it
contort it

until all that's left
is a broken replica
of what used to be
the biggest part
of me.

watch it bleed
suffocate it
suffocate ME

What can I do anyways?

It's okay baby.
Do whatever you want
with my heart.

It's yours remember?

Saturday

Gina

You know what girl?
It sucks

not knowing
when enough is enough
having to worry all the time
have i taken this too far?

but there doesn't have to be
all that pressure
just take a deep breath
and let it all go

you gotta think really really deep down
to what you know IN YOUR CORE
is the right thing to do
cuz it's definitely there

even if it's something you don't want to do
something that you think might lose something/someone
you have to have to HAVE to listen to it

otherwise, as maybe you have noticed,
you start to lose who you are

floundering around
grasping for ties to who you once were
wondering who this new girl is
who tests limits

and sometimes, that's a good thing
changing into someone else and all that
and maybe that's what you want to do!

but from what it sounds like,
it's not what you want

and I'm not trying to get into your head or anything
and maybe i interpreted this all wrong
maybe you're talking about something completely different

but if im not wrong, the same thing happened to me before
i got lost, for a while
but eventually i found myself

and even though at first it seemed i messed up bad,
in the long run it's been so much better

you can't let yourself get lost in someone else's reality
in someone else's limits
or expectations
or what they think

it's gotta be
YOUR reality
YOUR limits
YOUR expectations
YOUR LIFE

if it's one person who's causing this
causing you to wonder where your limits are
talk to them about it
let them know
if they're a good person they'll listen
take it into account

If they really love you,
they'll know you have to hold on to who you were
and they'll accept that.

If not,
they don't deserve you.
at all.

But hold on to your innocence.
Cuz that's the one thing you can't take back
mo matter how bad you want to.

You're such a great person
i don't even know you that well!!
so if I can know you're an amazing gal,
he (or whoever it is) should know that too.

<3<3<3<3<3>

Maybe...

maybe
the world is at your feet

maybe
YOU'RE the one
groveling at the feet
of some higher power's

maybe
everything is crystal clear
and if not everything,
at least most things

maybe
everything swirls around
in a deafening cacophony
and you don't know
which way is up

maybe
you have a good life at home
you love your family
your family loves you
you are happy
would never think of changing that

maybe
you have a haunted past
your parents are evil
they don't understand
maybe you've tried ways of escape
only to find
it's all a lie anyways

maybe
you are loved
you can feel that warmth
creep up all the way from your toes
embracing you

maybe
you are despised
menacing glares follow you
wherever you go
and there is no escape

maybe
you are in love
with someone who loves you for you
and takes care of you
and would never hurt you

maybe
you are in love
with someone who "loves you"
a.k.a your ass
and just tries to get in your pants
but what can you do?
you love him, remember?

maybe
you love someone
who kind of likes you...
but REALLY likes this other girl
and he's "torn" because he doesn't want to hurt your feelings
not knowing he's hurting them even more
by pretending

or maybe,
you love someone
who doesnt love you
at all
they don't know you dream of them
they don't know anything about you
because they wont bother getting to know you

maybe,
you are all of those
mixed up in one
you have your ups,
you have your downs

and maybe,
you wish you were someone else
you wish you could escape
into the life of another
but what would they do with YOUR life?
would they make the wrong choices?
would they be the ruin of you?

you know what though?

DEFINITELY
you are you.
and there's no changing that.
people all around you,
EVERYWHERE
are going through the same things
wishing the same things
hurting the same way
loving the same way
you just gotta find them

and maybe,
it will be REALLY hard
to remember that
to find those people
to find YOU

it may be hard,
but it's not impossible.

it can happen...
you just gotta believe it can.

you are NOT alone.

Thursday

Shut up.

You don't know what it's like.
I think I'm slipping.

And just for the record,
if you're thinking right now,
"I asked her if she was fine and she said she was.
Wow, what's her problem...?"

I'm okay.
I really am.

It's just...
I'm remembering all of these things.
That I never thought i would have to
remember.

I have been so drained lately...
for a bunch of reasons
It was something I could deal with
I didn't think
people would start
saying things.

Mrs. Fary told me I didn't look like myself...
My ninja buddy (Mrs. Crayton) kept asking me if i was feeling ok...
Savanah thought i had been crying cuz my eyes were puffy...
I've just been trying to getup in the morning, much less care
about what I look like.
I've kind of given up on that due to the hair issue.

Then i started getting dizzy a lot.
and i don't know what it could be.
Sleep deprivation...?
Anemic issues...?
something else?

And then there's still the memory of that summer
and the year (8 months) following it.
And i know it seemed...terrible
to any outside point of view
but...
it was helping me.
and sick as it may be,
i liked it


I've been hearing so much about it...
from so many people.
And that's not a bad thing!
I'm not blaming anyone.
I like being there for you guys...
feeling helpful, useful to someone.
but sometimes i start wondering...
and then remembering...

and then i find myself
trying to convince myself
"no"
convince myself otherwise

and i don't
understand
a
damn
thing
about
any
of
it.

I'm exhausted from trying.
You would think I would be able
to understand my own thoughts
wouldn't you?

Pff.

Yeah right.





Life would be too easy.

Sunday

God it never ends

Sometimes
waiting
is a good thing.

Like on Christmas eve,
or waiting to see someone you love
come off a plane.
Exciting things.

Those are
good things.
Anticipation.

But when you're waiting
helpless
for something
that you KNOW has to happen
something you can't help
something that hurts
something that will rip you up

that's not good.

What if
even though you've said
"don't worry"
it re-sparks?

knowing...stuff,
it has a fair chance.

and i don't think i can handle it
actually, i know i cant

im going crazy here
sitting behind this screen
waiting
for the inevitable
to hit
like a ton of bricks.

It's bad enough
that i cant c u right now
when im at my low.

i don't even really know the right words right now
to get it all out

maybe i will later
when i get some sleep

i dont know
it's just hard
not being able to stop
the one thing that will drive me

insane.

Thursday

itunes mix (sorry nicole im posing u but it looked funn!!!)

I wanna feel, all the chemicals inside I wanna feel.
I want a sunburn, just to know that I'm alive...
Don't tell me if I'm dyin, cause I don't wanna know.
If I can't see the sun, maybe I should go.
Don't wake me cause I'm dreaming of angels on the moon.
Where everyone you know never leaves too soon.


I wanted you to know that I love the way you laugh
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain
Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome

And I don't feel right when you're gone away


Do you ever think, when you're all alone
All that we could be, where this thing could go?

Am I crazy or falling in love?
Is it real or just another crush?

Too long I've been afraid of

Losing love I guess I've lost

Well, if that's love
It comes at much too high a cost
I'd sooner buy
Defying gravity


I don't know you
But I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can't react

This time, I wonder what it feels like
To find the one in this life, the one we all dream of
But dreams just aren't enough
So I'll be waiting for the real thing, I'll know it by the feeling

I'll hang from your lips
Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above
I'll be your crying shoulder
I'll be love suicide
I'll be better when I'm older
I'll be the greatest fan of your life


You won't cry for my absence, I know -
You forgot me long ago.
Am I that unimportant...?
Am I so insignificant...?
Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?


All I needed was the love you gave
All I needed for another day
And all I ever knew
Only you


You fucker, get up
come on get down with the sickness
Madness is the gift that has been given to me


If I had to choose a way to die
It'd be with you
In a goosebump infested embrace
With my overanxious hands cupping your face
In a goosebump infested embrace
With my overanxious hands cupping your cherub face

If love is a labor I'll slave 'till the end.
I won't cross these streets until you hold my hand

I know I'll find deep inside me,
I can be the one.
I will never let you fall.
I'll stand up with you forever.
I'll be there for you through it all.
Even if saving you sends me to heaven.

A life goes by
Romantic dreams must die
So I bid mine goodbye and never knew
So close was waiting, waiting here with you
And now forever I know
All that I want is to hold you
So close

I'm the fire man
Weezy. Allergic to wintertime



There's no love, everybody's crying
There's no truth, everyone's misguided

And now the end is here!



HOLY CRAPP THAT WAS SO FUN!!!!!!!!!!


Wednesday

A quote i found that i thought fit nicely

"It rains on the ones who deserve the sun."

I LOVE U MYZAA
itll all b ok
and...itll b ovr soon


<3<3<3<3<3

Friday

Just For The Record...

When you say "I love you" mean it
Words are just words; trust me I've seen it

If you're asking if I need you
the answer is always and forever

If you're asking if I'll leave you
then the answer is never

If you're asking what I value most
the answer is surely you,

If you're asking if I love you
the answer is I do

I love you with my heart, body ,and soul.
Your big blue eyes have taken their toll.

You complete me.
You make my life worth living.
I am not me when you're not there.
To know you and to love you
is the most beautiful dream.
I can only hope that I never wake up.

Never say "I love you"
if you don't really care,

Never talk about feelings
if they aren't really there.

Never hold my hand
if you're going to break my heart.

Never say you're going to,
if you never plan to start.

Never look in my eyes
if all you do is lie.

Never say hello,
if you really mean goodbye.

If you really mean forever,
please just say you will try.

Never say forever
cause forever makes me cry.

It takes only a second to say I love you,
but so much more to show you i do.

If you love me as much as I love you,
nothing but death can part us two.

Tears in my eyes, you on my mind,
love in my heart, the world is behind

Should I hate you because you hurt me?
Or should I love you because you make me feel special?

I think that answer to that is inevitable.

I love you more than any word can say ...

I love you more than every action I take ...

and I'll be right here loving you till the end of forever.

Sunday

So Much (OUR SONG!!!)

How does it feel to know you're everything I need
The butterflies in my stomach
They could bring me to my knees
How does it feel to know you're everything I want
I've got a hard time saying this
So I'll sing it in a song

Oh I adore the way you carry yourself
With the grace of a thousand angels overhead
I love the way the galaxy starts to melt
When we become one
When we become one
When we become one
When we become one

How does it feel
How does it feel when we get locked into a stare?
Please don't come looking for me
When I get lost in the mess of your hair
How do you feel when everything you've known
Gets thrown aside
Never fear, my dear, 'cause we have nothing left to hide

Oh I adore the way you carry yourself
With the grace of a thousand angels overhead
I love the way the galaxy starts to melt

Hold on to me girl
If you feel your grip getting loose
Just know that I'm right next to you
Hold on to me girl
If you feel your grip getting loose
Just know that I won't let you down

Well, I'm ready
Well, I'm ready
I am ready
To run away with you
Are you ready?
Are you ready?
Are you ready?
To run away with me

Pack your things we can leave today
Pack your things we can leave today
Say our goodbyes and get on the train
Say goodbye
Just you and I in the sweet unknown
We can just call each other our home

If I had to choose a way to die
It'd be with you
In a goosebump infested embrace
With my overanxious hands cupping your face
In a goosebump infested embrace
With my overanxious hands cupping your cherub face

How does it feel?

Saturday

For Tiv, Nicole, and Maia

You're not alone
Together we stand
I'll be by your side
You know I'll take your hand

When it gets cold
And it feels like the end
There's no place to go
You know I won't give in
No I won't give in

Keep holdin' on
'Cause you know we'll make it through
We'll make it through
Just, stay strong
'Cause you know I'm here for you
I'm here for you

There's nothing you can say (Nothin' you can say)
Nothing you can do (Nothin' you can do)
There's no other way when it comes to the truth

So, keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through
We'll make it through

So far away
I wish you were here
Before it's too late
This could all disappear

Before the doors close
And it comes to an end
With you by my side
I will fight and defend
I'll fight and defend, Yeah yeah

Keep holdin' on
'Cause you know we'll make it through
We'll make it through
Just, stay strong
'Cause you know I'm here for you
I'm here for you

There's nothing you can say
Nothing you can do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So, keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through
We'll make it through

Hear me when I say
When I say I believe
Nothing's gonna change
Nothing's gonna change destiny

Whatever's meant to be
Will work out perfectly
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..

La da da da, la da da da da
La da da da da da da da da

Keep holdin' on
'Cause you know we'll make it through
We'll make it through
Just stay strong
'Cause you know I'm here for you
I'm here for you

There's nothing you can say
Nothing you can do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So, keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through
We'll make it through

Confused

You know what?
I try.

I do.
REALLY hard
to make sure that everyone else
gets hurt the least amount possible
before my happiness

i ALWAYS think of you first
i did that whole time
and i still am

ask anybody!
i was always upset when u were
it wasn't a pretense

whenever we talk im talking about u
if you would talk to me i could tell u what about

but im sick
of trying so hard
just to get blamed for it

it makes me wonder if its even worth it?
but then, of course it is.
duhh

Why would i pretend?
im not that kind of person
i dont pretend.
i wear my heart on my sleeve for the most part
im right out there.

I mean, i can understand
obviously
i can see exactly where you're coming from
and why you would be doing this

ur upset
and lost
and confused
and need a way 2 get it out
whether its conscious
or subconscious
i think its subconscious
i don't think you would try and hurt me on purpose

I'm not blaming you
this isnt what this is about
im just confused
i dont c HOW i couldve used you...for anything!
i really don't know where you're coming from

i really just don't know

Tuesday

Anytime, Anywhere, Anything

When you don't know just what to say,
Look to me, I'll help you through
When you don't know just what to think,
Look to me, I'll think for you
When you're lost inside yourself,
Look to me, I'll find you there
And when your world seems upside down,
Look to me, I'll help you bear it all

If you ever need a friend
Someone to love until the end
Look to me, baby, for anything
Look to me, I'll help you sing
If you ever want a hand,
Or need to get out of this land
Look to me, baby, for anything
Look to me, I'll help you sing
Because I'll love you till the stars turn cold
I'll be there when you need someone to hold
Anytime baby, anywhere
Look to me, I'll be there

When you don't know to laugh or cry,
Look to me, I'll help you out
When you just can't spit something out,
Look to me 'cuz I can shout
When you don't know who your friends are,
Look to me, I'll show you who
When you need to know that you are loved,
Look to me, I've always loved you

If you ever need a friend
Someone to love until the end
Look to me, baby, for anything
Look to me, I'll help you sing
If you ever want a hand,
Or need to get out of this land
Look to me, baby, for anything
Look to me, I'll help you sing
Because I'll love you till the stars turn cold
I'll be there when you need someone to hold
Anytime baby, anywhere
Look to me, I'll be there

Sometimes it's just so hard to know
How everything is gonna go
Sometimes you just don't want to see
How everything is gonna be
Don't you worry about a thing
I'll take you under my wing
We can make it, you will see
Until the end baby, you and me

If you ever need a friend
Someone to love until the end
Look to me, baby, for anything
Look to me, I'll help you sing
If you ever want a hand,
Or need to get out of this land
Look to me, baby, for anything
Look to me, I'll help you sing
Because I'll love you till the stars turn cold
I'll be there when you need someone to hold
Anytime baby, anywhere
Look to me, I'll be there

Look to me, I'll be there
Oh, oh, oh
Anytime baby, anywhere
Look to me...
I'll be there

Saturday

if you always tell the truth
you don't NEED to remember what you said

That Girl Again

I talked to her
Walked up
said,
"Hi!"

she looked at me
skeptically
thinking
i was going to
shatter her vision
her make believe world

"Hi..."
she mumbled
still wary

i gave her my best smile
"you look familiar...
did you go to lyric camp?
weren't you Alice?"

"You remember me?"
she asks
her chocolate eyes wide

and then,
the most amazing thing happened

she smiled.





Friday

This Girl...

This girl
She's beautiful
But not in the way you would expect

Black apparel
From head to toe
Except for the white tutu
Encircling her middle

A ribbon around her head
Supporting many colored buttons
Ivory skin
Surrounded by a frame
Of jet black hair.

Hunched over
As if to protect herself
From the world
She sings
In the corner of the room
But looks unfocused
Like she's not all there

As i stare at her in awe
She turns
Like she knew i was watching

Her eyes
Huge
A warm chocolate brown
Swimming in the surrounding black
All in all, pretty

But there's such pain there.
The corners of her eyes
Are turned permanently
Downwards

She keeps my gaze
Not blinking
Not breaking contact

Again, I am struck by
The intensity of her stare
unlike anyone elses

With her eyes wide
As they are now
The pain is more apparent
But couldn't be seen
By a passing
Glance

It goes deeper
All the way into
Her soul

How long shall it remain?
Forever?

Finally,
After one last second,
she blinks
and the vision is gone
she tries to regain control

Her penetrating eyes
sweep back
into her own world

I hope her world is happy
I hope she find comfort
I hope that one day
the pain might disappear

Though I know nothing about the girl

She reminds me of all the pain
Pain I've experienced
Pain my friends have
Pain I've seen
Or pain I've only heard of

There's so much of it
It falls hard on the ones
Who need it the least
Passing the happy by

Why?

People who are happy
Can take it
They can DEAL with a little pain
It's the people who suffer
That need a break
Yet it seems
They never do

I focus back on the conductor
Focus
On my song
But all the while
Wondering

When will this ever end?

Wednesday

sometimes...
i wish i could go back
to that summer
but i always talk myself out of it
why?

Tuesday

What inspires me?

Erica asked this so i figured i'd try
and answer it...
jeez idk a LOT of things do

Beauty
but not like fake,
supermodel
beauty
I'm talking
eyes that sparkle
without rims of black
smothering them

The hills in the summer
they roll on
gently swelling and receding
sometimes swinging up high
a mountain
reaching for the heavens

The snow
even though its SO cold
and i HATE winter...
it's so white
and fluffy
i don't know how
you could NOT be inspired by it

or the trees
in the fall
the crimsons and fiery golds
meeting the evergreen leaves
and an occasional splash of brown
the dead leaves.
but without the dead leaves,
there's no brown
so you need the dead leaves
to complete the circle.

The sunset
sending rays of colors
everywhere the sun touches
when the clouds get in the way
they too glow with it's warmth
instead of smothering the light
as they otherwise would

Rain
I have said this SO many times
but
i
love
rain.
Everything about it
i love standing in the rain
getting drenched
just not caring

Some PEOPLE inspire me

watching them swing high on the hoop
their hair falling around their face
arms out wide
not knowing
how amazing it really is

watching them struggle on
through all the shit in their life
trying to put it behind them
but slapping on a brave face
so the world might not suffer
taking it all on her shoulders

watching them
always be there
for anyone
especially me,
when there was no one else
she deserves more credit

watching them
be happy
laughing their way through anything
lifting peoples spirits
so that they might come through as well

You know the one thing i wish i could do?
ironically, it's the one thing I'll NEVER be able to do.

I wish I could paint.

i would paint
the rolling hills
the sunsets
the snow
the rain
the fall trees
the REAL beauty

i would paint
the hoop
the cuts
the love
the happiness

i would paint it all.

Unfortunately, i have no artistic ability
whatsoever.
My drawings and paintings
are stick figures
with heads as big as their bodies
but whatever.

eventually, ill find SOME way
to express all that
Not that i have any idea how...
but i guess it'll come to me

What inspires you, Erica?



Saturday

sigh

i know he said dont worry
he said it was nothing

and still, i worry.

its only a little
and only in SAM

yet still, i worry.

im overreacting; i know this
i should know that it really does mean
nothing

but still, i worry.

im being selfish
i think
wanting him ENTIRELY
for myself
i mean,
its not like i dont do the same thing

still, i worry.

and its not like YOU would
want him
you want someone else
i shouldnt be concerned
i guess

Why
am
i
so
threatened
by
you?

Tuesday

US

FIRE
when we're together
being in such close
proximity to
you
is detrimental
to my sanity

ICE
when we fight
my heart freezes
it can never thaw
until we are okay
once more
and i can once again
fall into your arms

BEAUTIFUL
your eyes
how they glisten
pools of
liquid sapphire
and i have to
look away

UGLY
how i feel
in comparison to your
flawlessness
you are
everything
i am not

LOST
being with him
knowing it has
to stop
not wanting him
wanting you

FOUND
you find me
in the deepest niches
of my mind
when im screaming
for help
you are there

LOVE
its there
in my eyes
if you look
you can find it
its there
and its yours

HATE
whenever we're apart
cant function
losing
control

FEELING
ripping its way
through my body
my mind
my soul

NUMBNESS
taking over
whenever
theres too much
pain

TOGETHER
we're everything

APART
we're nothing

Isn't it funny
how all of these
antonyms
make up
who we are?
We're so many opposites

But all of the opposites
intertwined

make
my world

make me
who i am

make me
yours





Friday

What must it be like? I cant even IMAGINE...

overwhelming emotions
no escape
there's no escape

nothing works
at this level of despair

in a corner
of the room
sitting
curled up into a ball

music blaring
bass and drum
heavy guitar
mizing together
in a loud cacophony
an attempt
to drown it all out

but to no avail
shaking
gasping
what to do?

looking around wildly
for anything
ANYTHING
to make the pain
go away.

a twinkle of silver
where the sun hits
just right
the metal calls
inviting

it can take the pain away
put it in a different place
erase your mind

reaching out deftly
not even knowing
what's
going
on.
Just knowing
that the pain
must stop.

grabbing the handle.
sitting back against the wall
one sleeve rolled up.
in the other hand
the knife is perched
eyes closing head against the wall
hand lowers

touching
blade to skin
gasping
it feels so...good.

remembering
that time
a while ago
whenever an escape was needed
there it was
as it is here now
never failing.

pressing harder now
a red line forms
a manic smile appears
eyes wild

this is what was needed
a quick motion
a quick swipe
and now a laugh.
a cackle
welling up from within
holding the wrist
with the other hand.

holding it close
to her face
licking the blood off
rusty
her life depends on that blood.

But by letting it out,
she purges herself
of that bad blood
carrying thoughts
of you
and how
it can't be

holding the knife up now
examining it closely
touching finger to tip
drawing it back
with a pinprick of blood
on it

hiding the blade
away from the world
in a place
where it will always be
whenever she needs to
escape.

Making sense of it all...

Sometimes the world seems upside down
i don't know whether to grin or frown.
everything seems out of place,
confusion spelled across my face.

You are what i want and need
but there's that voice i have to heed.
If not now, not soon, then when?
I'm sick of drama, sick of men.

Then there's that thought that pulls me back
that gives me the confidence i lack
your eyes, your hair, your smiling face
your walk, your touch, your warm embrace.

you are not always there, however
and i doubt that you will be forever.
when you're not there, but my other one is,
it's not always your face i see, but his.

and i know i should be ending this
i know that what awaits us is
what i want but i fear ill miss him
whenever I'm with you. i mean,
you know what crazy shit the heart can do.

and even though i love you more
it's still painful to shut this door.
But ill try as best i can,
cuz all i want is to hold your hand.

Although i might soon be a mess
might not look or act my best,
know that i love you and always will.
you, my love, my life, my thrill.

I'm doing this because i love you
but know it's going to hurt me to.
after a while it will all be okay
we just have to hold on until the day

when we won't have to run or hide
off into the sunset we can ride.
no lies, no fear, no stormy weather.
Free. Just you and I together.

Saturday

Some Things

Some things
i tell you
Some things
I dont

Some things
are important
Some things
are not

Some things
can mess everything up
Some things
need to be kept safe

You would think
that the things i tell you
no matter what they are
if ive asked you not to say anything
that i can trust you with that

You would think
that if i told you a reason
that i didnt want a specific person to know
that it was for THEIR BENEFIT
because i dont want THEM TO GET HURT
because theyve already gone through enough
and dont have to deal with my problems too

maybe her and I already connect
on a lot of things
and we have an understanding
we help eachother out
concealer...hugs...anything

and maybe shes one of my really good friends
and im trying to LOOK OUT FOR HER

and now
our song is playing
and im losing my resolve

Some things
are ok to let go
Some things
you need to hold on to

Im holding on to you
because i love you
so much
but you need to understand
what i mean
when i say
let me deal with it

Caged Bird

A free bird leaps
on the back of the wind
and floats downstream
till the current ends
and dips his wing
in the orange sun rays
and dares to claim the sky.

But a bird that stalks
down his narrow cage
can seldom see through
his bars of rage
his wings are clipped and
his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing.

The caged bird sings
with a fearful trill
of things unknown
but longed for still
and his tune is heard
on the distant hill
for the caged bird
sings of freedom.

The free bird thinks of another breeze
and the trade winds soft through the sighing trees
and the fat worms waiting on a dawn-bright lawn
and he names the sky his own.

But a caged bird stands on the grave of dreams
his shadow shouts on a nightmare scream
his wings are clipped and his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing.

The caged bird sings
with a fearful trill
of things unknown
but longed for still
and his tune is heard
on the distant hill
for the caged bird
sings of freedom.